New Findings on the Mozart Effect

A recent report now says that the Mozart effect is another charming urban legend.

The bad news for the hip urban professionals: playing Mozart for your designer baby will not improve his IQ or help him get into that exclusive pre-school. He’ll just have to get admitted to Harvard some other way. Of course, we’re all better off for listening to Mozart purely for the pleasure of it. However, one wonders whether, if playing Mozart sonatas for little Tiffany or Jason could boost their intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played during the kiddies’ developmental time?

LISZT EFFECT

Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT

Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT

Child becomes a megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT

Child continually screams - at great length and volume - that he’s dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT

Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

IVES EFFECT

The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT

The child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT

The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool.

BRAHMS EFFECT

The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contai n a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12, etc.) However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

CAGE EFFECT

Child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds. (Preferred by 10 out of 9 classroom teachers.)

SCHNITTKE EFFECT

People will run for exits in horror whenever child speaks.